Enkela+Q’s+Final+AmEx+Speech+2017

We started off this year with the terrifying speeches meant to filter out the “real deal” kids from the slackers. With Fitz pounding us for blood sweat tears and a lung and Geib tugging away at our pruney little minds by arguing with himself in attempts to stretch us into these beautiful eloquently spoken creatures that gallop away into the world of scholars, it was unmistakable that both had unrealistic expectations set forth for all of us. Yet surviving that first week meant we were all AP kids, we had the entitlement to place ourselves above everyone else on the hierarchy of intelligence. Wonderful, that's all I really ever wanted, how’d they know!!!

With the yearning to impress both Geib and Fitz, I wrote blogs I was passionate about and began to actually read a textbook for the first time in my life. Within the second week I expected some kind of recognition for it, a pat on the back, maybe a “ hey wait to give it a go enk”. What I received instead was a giant 6 written on the top of my third or fourth in class essay with Geib towering over it, staring me down with that disappointed dad glare, shaking his head in disapproval while practically sighing the words “ Wow Enkela, that was an extremely disappointing essay.” I nodded in agreement and he walked away, probably to let Travis know that the first essay he ever wrote was the deepest most insightful piece of literature Geib had ever laid his eyes on. Or maybe, he went to go rave about Tanner and his raw blogs that he wrote from the heart from his whole 16 or 17 years of experience on this planet. It is safe to say I was a little bitter.

Fitz on the other hand was almost worse, guaranteeing that I was “the type of student AP teachers are lucky enough to have in the classroom”. Telling me I was the “real deal” and lots of other encouraging things that worked and made me feel noticed until I began to realize I couldn’t write a DBQ that stood out like Emily’s, that I missed way more than just a few on the multiple choice tests that Beka got almost perfect scores on. And that I didn’t come in with pre- written DBQ’s from my hours of practicing at home in the search of becoming a better historical thinker, because the truth is, I had no desire to become a historical thinker. I wanted to be the only real deal, but alas, the majority of people in that class had the capability to grow into insightful students and some of them only needed a simple phrase such as “YOU are the real deal” (which I realized was Fitz’s go to phrase for compassion) to blossom into the thinkers that Geib Fitz and Kindred strove to create.

I started to make excuses, the first being a low dose of resentment for the people that were incredible thinkers and writers, the people who stood out and reached levels that were far beyond incapable bounds for myself. People like Tanner, who has an incredible way of looking at the world and who writes with no filter, who encaptures life with such a raw sense of emotion that he conveys that feeling to everyone else. People like Emily, who carries such a maternal aura within her, that is impossible to not be drawn to her. People like Travis, that writes exactly how he speaks and carries the spirit of his personality through his thought process while conveying it to others. People like Beka, who is so dedicated to learning, that she pours hours and hours of her time into absorbing as much information as she possibly can. I envied them, but this envy slowly shifted into respect, it became admiration for them, a desire to reach their level.

Pondering why I’m such a terribly flawed human being, I could only draw one source of the thoughts that trampled my mind. I realized that every single thought was fueled by selfishness, whether that be conscious or not. I wanted to be the best because I am selfish and wanted to be envied. I wanted Geib to notice me and for Fitz to praise me because I am selfish and wanted to be the exception to the mundane sea of AP faces. I wanted to be raved about and to be brought up in teacher gossip as the girl who wrote as beautifully as the thoughts contained in the complexity of her mind. I wanted to be the best and the brightest and I didn’t know how to cope with the simple fact that I wasn’t one of those kids. Thus came the destructive thought processes that followed.

English has always been my best subject, the one area I always received praise. I owe this greatly to Mrs. Wantz who taught me how to think and encouraged the way that I began to convey my thoughts. With this, impressing Dinkler came easily, so naturally, I expected Geib to do backflips when reading my words. Instead, I kept getting the disappointed dad glare, the continued sighs in response to my naive ideas which were always cut off in counterarguments that shut down my entire point (even though they were mostly opinions which I didn’t know could be wrong until Geib’s class). It frustrated me so much, with socratics filled with Geib’s yammering clamour in which he debated himself and ripped my brain into shreds. I wanted to scream and was often so irritated I would rant to Maya after class. I realize now I was selfish enough to believe my points were worth sharing with the world. My selfishness blinded me into thinking that my thoughts would invoke respect from my peers, and would undoubtedly place me on a pedestal which I was so intent on gaining because I needed to feel as though I was contributing in some way.

Why does selfishness contain such a negative connotation? We are all selfish, though some more than others, and we all attempt to justify it, as if it needs justifying to validate our sense of self worth. As if justification would somehow uphold our pretentious moral codes, in which we are pure and untainted, and rise above our peers.

Through this year, I have learned to accept my selfishness as a companion, as the primary human drive that pushes me to my limits. I have realized the ideal sense of self is out of reach, so it is more beneficial to allow selfishness to cultivate my persona. I have a clear direction as to what I want and how to get there, and as that is primarily fueled by selfishness I don’t understand why that is perceived as such a bad thing.

I would like to live in an America where the connotation of selfishness is challenged. Where it is stripped of its negative connotation and becomes more of a clean slate that can be built upon to create a person, not the word we use to justify our demons. I want to live in an America where it is accepted to embrace selfishness and to use it to create substance in the world rather than allowing it to tear us down and gnaw at us from within. Of course, that choice will be different and pertains to each individual singularly, however it is too much of a stretch to assume selfishness is ultimately a disruption to the growth of an individual.

We are taught time and time again to be selfless and kind, the two words practically go hand in hand, and I understand that selfishness can be taken to an extent that is detrimental to society, however it is completely misguided to teach children to be selfless when we know that even their selflessness is fueled by selfishness.

At this school we are required proof that we are aiding the community in hours of our service to even graduate. Teenagers are forced to volunteer at places on a list because it makes them more appealing to colleges which in turn increases the statistics of the school which are then strategically advertised in encouraging strong students craving academic rigor to apply. Even community service, a supposedly selfless act, is turned into a landmark that students are forced to trudge through. Those who enjoy it can also be considered to be doing it for a selfish reason, because it makes them feel as though they are contributing to the world. Or perhaps they would feel bad if they didn’t do it, so they contribute to avoid this feeling. Either way, why is the negative connotation interwoven within the essence of the word? Either way, community service is overall beneficial to the community, although it is entirely driven by human selfishness.

I never would have thought to reflect this concept to history, but at some point last week, Geib asked us how we can know where we are now and where we are headed in the future if we don’t know where we’ve been in the past. Selfishness is not a new concept. Some of the greatest entrepreneurs, such as the titans of industry are still to this day perceived as selfish, and they were. This selfishness combined with their abilities to command business are what provided them with their success. To what extent did they owe the world anything but the best that they could contribute? Why must we view the lens of selfishness as one that restricts growth and is solely responsible for causing damage when it so obviously provides for growth as well? Why can’t we begin to view selfishness as the human drive that it is, neither good nor bad until applied to a particular character? Why do we cluster it into a broad characterization of human beings when it is used to convey such opposite reactions? It is impossible to generalize, yet we still confine it to the shackles of negative upbringing.

Even pertaining to romance, we have this idealized notion of selfishness, this romanticized version of being utterly selfless and faithful to a single person. Why can’t we accept that we are not bound to be selfless, that our desire to be selfless stems from our selfish needs to contain an idea of ourselves that is morally acceptable? We have been cultivated to believe that selfishness is the problem, when often, coming to peace with it is the only solution.

Why do we restrict ourselves to the embrace of love from a single person, when there are billions roaming the planet? Why is it accepted that the devotion and love of one person is pure and somehow the love of multiple partners at a time is revolting? If the ultimate goal to life is happiness, why do we block ourselves off from the capability of finding it within multiple people? Our embraced selfishness would allow us to accept a friend in the same extent of an emotional bond as that of a romantic partner, for there are different forms of love and they all have the capability of contributing to a general sense of overall happiness. I want to live in an America where sex is more than just aerobics, more than just “dogs in heat”; where sex is about a connection and strengthens that particular bond.

In my eyes, the most effective way to restore this state of mind is through the acceptance of human selfishness as a primal drive for survival, as the drive that pushes us to be alive, rather than the twisted word that drains us of any moral code whatsoever.