Olivia+M’s+Final+AmEx+Speech+2017

I reckon that you all know who I am, but for those that don’t -- I’m Olivia. And what many of you don’t know is that I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. Not just the typical AP anxiousness about grades or the butterflies one gets before a sports game, I am talking about the worry about everything type of anxiety. In which case today, I will be confronting my struggle with social anxiety.

Many of you may be thinking to yourselves right now that well -- she seems pretty bright and energetic to me. And truthfully you are correct. At times I am able to overlook my fear and my worry and replace it with optimism and cheer. At times I am able to be tenacious and determined. However, to put it into perspective, I’m only like that twenty-five percent of the time. And it’s not that I am “fake” or trying to be someone that I am not, it’s just that, frankly, it’s difficult for me to hangout with people. It’s difficult for me to set my anxiety aside and enjoy myself. It’s difficult for me to let go. When I appear to be spirited and vivacious know that this is when I am at my strongest, you are seeing a part of me that I often find so hard to pull out of myself.

Outside of school I am very shy and introverted. I like things to be simple and precise. I like to be comfortable and organized. But if you know me, you know that specifically, I like to spend my nights, both weekday and weekend, at home, with my homework done, and for my upcoming days to be planned. I like to be able to go to bed at nine o’clock knowing that everything has been done and prepared for the next day. And while Kindred you may be thinking to yourself right now when is the last time I have been able to do that, I assure that, in regards to a teenager, it’s not necessarily normal to be this technical and calculated. As high schoolers aren’t we supposed to be having the time of our lives, living and experiencing new things day in and day out? Aren’t we not suppose to be scared, yet unlike this I live in a world of fear. Fear of big places with big people, fear of doing something wrong, fear of not doing enough. The truth of the matter is that I’m a bundle of anxiety, wrapped up like a pretzel. I’m anxious when I’m out of my house past nine o’clock, when I have a scoop of ice cream full of dairy and sugar, when I go out on a “date” or hangout with friends. Honestly, I’m scared of being spontaneous. (pause) and sure life hasn’t always been fair, I’ve had my share of misfortune, but so has everyone else in this room.

Social anxiety is my fight, and it’s the hardest battle I have ever fought. But I am tired. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of not living and simply just being. Never did I ever imagine to be full of worry and stress, yet it is something that I have been forced to deal with and make the best of. One day I want to be able to go out at night freely and have the time of my life. Never looking back and regretting the decisions I made to live.

That being said I want to be able to grow old in an America where not only I, but all of those suffering from social anxiety are able to get up and go out of their comfort zone. I want us to grow old in America where we allow ourselves to frolic and gambol. That being said, something that has resonated with me for quite sometime now and has had me question my life so far is a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson -- “All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.” And as cliche as it sounds, you only live once. Whether that is in a span of twenty years or one hundred years, we all have the opportunity to make the best out of it. We aren’t meant to live in fear. We aren’t meant to do everything right the first time. There is so much more to life than just surviving day to day -- we are meant to have adventures, to travel, to explore, to learn, to create friendships and relationships. We are meant to live. Thus, the last thing I want to have running through my mind on my death bed is the thought of “I didn’t do enough or I didn’t take any adventures or risks”. I want to be able to go happily, contingent with my life, as I’m sure you all do as well.

But you see at the end of the day I am just one example. I may be attempting to conquer my fears but I know that so many of you are still petrified of going out of your comfort zone, whether that’s confessing your love to your life long crush or conquering your fear of heights. Let me say this, tomorrow everything could change. You’re mom could have cancer, you may find out best friend is moving away, she or he, the person you care about so deeply, may no longer be here. Therefore taking chances and risks on them or with them is okay. Making mistakes are okay. However over thinking to the point of extreme worry, that’s not okay. Enjoy the moments you have with them, because you never know how fast something can change. We often live too comfortably and it’s our time to allow ourselves to bloom. It’s our time to do things that we have never done, and to be proud of what we have accomplished. It’s our time to live in America where we aren’t afraid to speak up and be courageous. The world is so convoluted today that we can’t let our fear limit ourselves. At the end of each and every day these three words shouldn’t even be in your vocabulary : should’ve, would’ve, could’ve.