John+M’s+Final+AmEx+Speech+2016


 *  Public Service Announcement **

The 80’s were truly some amazing years for men across the globe. I can’t quite figure out the connection, but the end of the cold war seemed to bring the end of men’s short-shorts as well. Throughout the 1990’s, basketball shorts started to reach players’ knees, and men’s dolphin shorts were suddenly thought of as for weirdos and people of social suspicion. In just a few years, our toned, hairy thighs became trapped in uncomfortable, awkwardly shaped garments that men secretly don’t like. Who here wants men to feel this way? Is the social peer pressure of long shorts truly making America the greatest nation on earth? With men constantly living in fear of being shunned for the clothes they love, social progress will continue to remain frozen during this post-cold war era.

Personally, I don’t let this social stigma get to me. I’ll flat out say it: I love my short-shorts. They feel good on hot days and make any form of exercise so much more refreshing with the feeling of fresh air on these thighs. In fact, the U.S. Olympic team would most certainly benefit from adopting a short-short policy for all of their events; it’s amazing that the best minds in sports medicine and performance haven’t realized this already! It’s no wonder that more and more athletes have recently resorted to illicit steroid substances and blood doping to make up for the loss of ability long shorts burden them with. If the negative attitude towards men’s short-shorts was replaced by understanding and empathy, athletes would finally be able to reach their full potential without needing to be sneaking around or breaking the rules. By now, you must be thinking how silly our taboo of men’s short shorts is; I understand you: this is ridiculous!

Did you know that the average ratio of women to men in American colleges is approximately 57% women to 43% men? Imagine if all male collegiate students suddenly started to wear short-shorts. The new freedom movement of the ventilation enhancement apparel would emancipate a new flood of short-short hermits living in their parent’s basements and inspire them to study in higher education. Now, when I read this ratio I was hardly surprised because the oppression of any group of people, such as not being allowed to wear short-shorts as a man, tends to obstruct their new ideas and determination. In this sense, American men today live in a society similar to that of George Orwell’s 1984. Anytime I’m caught in public wearing my short-shorts and disobeying the social laws set in place by the 90’s mainstream culture, I’m forced to endure a humiliating public trial. Typically, I’ll first get told very harsh things, such as a cruel mixture of profane language followed with an assortment of cold hearted threats to me and my friends. Sometimes it feels like the Thought Police are going to be waiting around every corner of my path, ready to conform me into believing long shorts are what men really should be wearing by their use of verbal torture methods. This is not the America I want to live in and by the looks of your faces, I see that I have just created a new rebel movement in our ruthless society.

Now, although you may be surprised at first by this, the removal of this totalitarian stigma would not only be a major achievement for men’s rights, but would also greatly assist the feminist movement alongside it. As American women continue to work towards equal rights with men, similar clothes are certainly necessary to improve the feeling of similarity between both genders. After all, many women choose to wear short-shorts, so now men would feel a closer connection with them and not feel as separated. With this new equality, it would not be absurd to think how short-shorts might be the key to ending problems such as gender discrimination forever. With men and women finally equal, America would be one step closer to what our founding fathers dreamed of in the U.S. constitution.

Now you may be thinking, “A few people publicly wearing short-shorts will never be able to change something as powerful as the male short-shorts stigma, this dream is hopeless”. But you’re wrong. The key is right here in this classroom today. If all of us, both boys and girls, come to school tomorrow in short-shorts, we would be able to create a resurgence of the clear thinking our 80’s forefathers hoped we would take with us. After going viral on social media, those who once laughed at men’s short-shorts would finally have a change in heart. Eventually, we would become the social norm, with people across the nation, maybe even the globe, wanting to be just like us. Yes, I know that social change is easier said than done. But together through hard work and unwavering determination, we would spread as quickly as hydro flasks did across high school campuses. Seeing how successful that company has become, what’s stopping us from achieving the same widespread popularity? Together, we are going to change the world. Together, we will not crumble in the face of adversity and backlash. Together, we shall be as a city upon a hill, one pair of sexy men’s shorts at a time.

Thank you


 * SOURCES:**

Birger, Jon. "Unequal Gender Ratios at Colleges Are Driving Hookup Culture." //Time//. Time Inc., 15 Oct. 2015. Web. 23 May 2016.

Orwell, George. //1984//. Harlow: Pearson Education, 2003. Print.

Winthrop, John, Rev. "The Winthrop Society: Descendants of the Great Migration." //The Winthrop Society: Descendants of the Great Migration//. Ed. John Beardlsey. The Winthrop Society, 2015. Web. 24 May 2016.