Kainoa+B’s+Final+AmEx+Speech+2017

I want you, all of you in this room, to live the most miserable, the most pathetic, the most unhappy, and the most uninspiring lives possible, and all for my amusement. Every turn and development, every decision and reaction, every thought and emotion should result in, and be the result of, some insuperable failure, one so insurmountable that I hope it will solidify with you for years to come and beyond, so that in retrospect, you may regret all your life decisions and be sorry that you were even born in the first place. All your achievements and praise, every epiphany and entelechy, the totality of all things that make you unique and special in this world should all amount to nothing in the end, you shall become a microscopic dot in an ocean of misery and ignorance, an indistinguishable face upon a crowd of billions, forgotten pseudo-intellectuals and ignoramuses. I hope that in the far, far distant future, when your body draws its last breathe with its slowly collapsing lungs, and the final neurotransmitter crosses the last synaptic gap alone and in immortal darkness, the aftermath of your passing will eventuate, not a final goodbye or triumphant honor, rather a humbling celebration of your eternal absence, a blank obituary as an aside of the Sunday paper, and a vacant funeral whose odes and eulogies are filled with eternal silence and sadness. Now I know what you might be thinking: “Kainoa, how do I earn such a wonderful and prestigious honor? How can I fulfill my duty as passive, ignorant human being?” Let me guide you through some very simple steps to lead you on your way to minimizing your optimistic influence in this world. Fortunately, with my luck, kickstarting a never ending chain of disasters in your life is not too hard to fruition. The steps to becoming a useless slab of cells goes as follows. Use as little energy as possible. Do not move, do not go anywhere, do not think critically, do not do anything. The biggest enemy to becoming miserable is doing things, especially things that require substantial amounts of effort towards procuring self-development. Never leave the proximity of your room or house whenever given the opportunity. This way the outside world won’t encourage positive behavior, and your habits can coalesce in a more physical state typically as poor hygiene maintenance and a lack of grooming and self-care. Let the atrophy fracture your body as your dependency on homely comforts distort any form of physical motivation or bodily awareness.

Soon, however, your constant idleness and locational immobility may bore you and continuous exposure to the same environment can cause inevitable impatience and even incite a longing for curiosity and stimulus. True it may be that as a naturally social creature you will begin to long for adventure and discovery outside the walls of your abode, but this is where technology comes into play. The internet they call it. A vast array of knowledge and power at the touch of your finger tips only a single tap away from it all, but we will not be using it for heuristic purposes. The internet is also home to field of misconstrued information and consistently reaffirmed ignorance shared across all social media platforms. Though it is important to be an incompetent schmuck, you should be an “educated” incompetent schmuck. Take everything seriously and read everything as if it were gospel, confirm your biases and your misconceptions and definitely make sure to ignore anything that contradicts your own thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Once you're done reading buzzfeed articles, go down into the chat rooms, threads discussions, and comment sections to unnecessarily pick fights with random strangers on the internet so that in glory and triumph you can become the momentary victor of an argument that should never have surfaced in the first place. Complain and whine about everything but never offer solutions or give any meaningful input. Offer unhelpful criticism and continue to be unhappy regardless of changes made. Never be yourself and create an online persona that you hate entirely, plagiarized constantly and make vague, bigoted, and inappropriate comments and questions that only serve to be sarcastic hate speech encouraging an increasingly slippery slope towards an autistic screeching competition. Be the online equivalent of a pile of trash because you are trash, but that’s okay because by now you will have earned the title.

Unfortunately, due to time and a limited supply of vitamin D, you will eventually have to venture into the outside world, but that doesn’t mean the internet has to stop. We all know the outside world can be pretty scary. Luckily technology can be amazing and has progressed far enough to the point that it has allowed us to bury our faces into our mobile devices, our iphones and samsungs and whatever other brands, to distract us from a cold and despotic world. Wherever you go, wherever you might be,

You will use it   during school. You will use it   At the pool. You will use it   In your house. You will use it   With a mouse. Would you? Could You? In a car? Use it. Use it. Here we are. Yes, you will use it   In a car. You will like it. You will see. Will you use it   In a tree? Yes, you will use it   In a tree. You will use it   On the train. You will use it   In the rain. You will you use it   Here and there. You will use it   Everywhere. Yes, you will like it   For Sam I am. And be sure to use filters For green eggs on instagram.

Now that you’re familiar with your phone, the next step should be to ruin yourself socially. You may be hated online but to your peers and acquaintances, you appear to be a normal, approachable person, and they will attempt to bring the best out of you like an idiot. This is a big no no for us. Our goal here is to be the most dislikable person possible, show as much contempt and distrust for their company and presence as you would a pedophile. Their physical existence should annoy you, and should you ever have the unfortunate displeasure of speaking to a real person as opposed to hiding and typing behind a screen as an anonymous troglodyte, you should speak condescendingly (that means talking down to people). You should be comparing yourself to them. Tell them how much better you are as person, you should be better morally (even though you’re an immoral sinner after the amount of hentai you’ve just watched at home), you should be better financially (even though you’re dirt poor and would literally sell your virginity for a dime), you should be more talented (even though you actually suck), and most importantly, you should tell them that if they don’t agree with everything you are saying, you will literally kill their entire family and strangle them while they sleep. If they catch you on your bluff, you can dismiss them as a hater and tweet about how terrible some people are and how some people fail to recognize a perfect and flawless human being such as yourself.

Lastly, to ensure yourself a life of torture and misery, give up on your hopes and dreams. In place of your true ambitions, your fabricated goals and passions should be impossible to achieve. When planning your ambitions they should follow a set of guidelines that will ensure successful failure in fulfilling your potential. First of all your goals should be vague and unclear, and the path to getting to those goals should also be vague and unclear. Make them so ambiguous, far-fetched, and impeded that the prerequisites to achieving them take an astronomical amount of time. This way you have an excuse to put off things people ask you to do, or suggest you do, by telling them that you are using that moment in time to slowly but surely fulfill a vapid and prolonged epoch in an ever lengthening journey towards a hollow goal whose ending recedes like the horizon. But of course, as reiterated previously, you will not be pursuing any sort of goal, you will be energyless, motionless. This “goal” we speak of is nothing but a facade and an excuse to prolong our bad habits and perpetuate a sinking depression deep within our soul as it eats away all things innocent and pure like snake slowly choking down a standard size household refrigerator.

In the future, if most things I’ve mention in this speech become routine for the majority of you, America will forever live in a constant state of cultural disaster and social disintegration. Your children, whose births will be dependent upon exceeding the pregnancy prevention effectiveness of a condom, will live and inherit a world not only polluted by greenhouse gases, terrorism, and fear, but tainted by the stupidity of the generation before them. The generation who failed to take care of themselves and take responsibility for their future, the generation whose ignorance will echo across the world and will become the quintessential epitome for the worst humanity has to offer, the generation that due to their selfish and mechanical behavior will doom our children and generations beyond into a thousand years of blinding darkness. This is what America should be. Come now please, let us take the first steps towards effectuating this glorious dream. Be the America we all hate… Thank you for listening to my presentation.