Jared+M’s+Final+AmEx+2014+Speech

=Idiocy in America= First and foremost, “Honey Boo Boo” needs to die. If anyone could take the burden, or actually privilege, of vanquishing its soul from the Earth, he would be greatly rewarded. Any method you want, just get it done. What could be wrong with us that would lead a TV channel called “The Learning Channel to televise such a monstrosity. Who working at TLC could have seen the atrocity and thought: “the world needs to see this,” and even worse, who let the guy actually make a show out of it? You did, America, you did. It’s your fault I have to look at that beast during commercials. “Honey Boo Boo” is a thing because you are stupid; oh so stupid. Why would they produce the series if they didn’t have an audience stupid enough to watch it? What could be wired incorrectly in someone’s brain to make them commit an hour weekly to such idiocy? I am appalled by these actions.

After writing this paragraph, which was intended to introduce my speech about people basically worshiping stupid people, I decided to take a break and go on Netflix for a few days. I had trouble deciding what I wanted to watch; I could watch any of my three favorite shows: “Workaholics,”” It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” or “Blue Mountain State.” Many of you may know some of these shows, as they are hilarious. When making this absolutely vital decision, I had a huge face palm moment: I’m as big of an idiot as the people I was criticizing. The people who watch “Honey Boo Boo” probably think hilarious fart jokes are as stupid as everyone else thinks a boorish mother-daughter duo who are asking to get punched in the face repeatedly is. That’s when I realized everyone is an idiot at heart. If you get someone into a situation where they are maybe a little too comfortable, they will most likely show you their inner-idiocy. Why has it come to judging people who show that they are idiots all the time so harshly? Everyone is an idiot, so how about we start acting like idiots.

I personally love being an idiot. Why do you people think I play football? Because I like doing extremely taxing work just to be yelled at no matter what I do? No, idiots. Going to football is so great because everyone is acting like an idiot. I mean, many of them are complete utter idiots, but it’s not easily discernible because it’s basically a contest to see how stupid we can be. My favorite event, probably the winning one, was when a teammate was fully naked besides his shoes and socks and put is backpack on and walked around the locker room saying “Mom I’m ready for school!” But this wasn’t enough for us; he had to take it farther. He decided to walk outside to greet the boys’ soccer team shouting: “Hello! Mom I’m ready for school! still fully naked may I remind you.” There was an enormous uproar from the inside of the locker room. This is far more fun than acting serious. Critical thinking and meaningful conversations? The scum of the Earth. If you can’t act like an idiot, you can’t truly be yourself, because you are an idiot. I love football because it lets me feel comfortable enough to join in on the fun. I mean, it’s not hard for me to do, but there, there are no limits. It feels great to release and become a whole other fully idiotic person, and to do so, you have to let go a little bit. In the America I grow old in, I want to see idiots. Not how they are, but how they act. I say that trusting Americans to know that moderation is key, but that isn’t an American tradition, so I’ll lay it out for you: know when to be an idiot. There is a time and a place to display your flattering attributes, and a time no to do it is but is not limited to: funerals, around sad people, in class, at work, or when people are angry with you. But have at it outside of those places. So go ahead and watch “Honey Boo Boo,” sexually harass a soccer team, and be your true self. So my message is to be a dumbass, and don’t judge the dumbasses because you’re a dumbass too, dumbass. Thank you, I will be signing autographs in the back between 1:30 and 1:45.

=Cite Your Sources= Your mother, formerly known as "yo mamma."